InsideApril 1, 2015 Volume IV, Edition 4mihsislander.org

by Hydra S.H.I.E.L.Dfeatures editor

A eulogy of Curtis Johnston (19??-2015)Sports > Page 3

Your map to Mercer Island High SchoolSpread > Page 4/5

Lord of the Flies freshman field trip proposedOpinions > Page 6

Top Songs of All TimeA&E > Page 7

PAID

School allots more passing period time for public displays of affectionFeatures > Page 2

After you’ve finished enjoying this paper, please recycle it!

Culminating Project returns to Mercer Island High School

Mer

cer Island School District

by Sean Bendersports editor

For the past 20 years, Mount Rushmore National Memorial has been mysteriously closed to the public, the famous sculpted heads of presidents kept under rain protectors for “cleaning.” As routine as this may sound, the process was extended another 20 years in 1995 to “really make their eyes sparkle,” said Former President Bill Clinton. However, at 9 a.m. PST today, the rain protectors were uncovered to reveal much-needed updates to the National treasure.

The beloved, yet outdated faces of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lin-coln have been replaced with those of MIHS luminaries Cur-tis Johnston, David Willecke, Dino Annest, and Chris Twom-bley, respectively. The recarving was conducted under the watch-ful eye of Chief Designer Vicki Puckett, stonemason esquire.

On April 1, 2015, lines of visitors eagerly stood by as the legendary memorial opened its doors for the first time in 20 years. Standing before the crowd, the power quartet proud-

ly announced their run for Presi-dency, and the mountain’s cover-ings dramatically fell, revealing the picturesque changes made to the famous landmark. The event was nationally televised, and the entire country cheered at the revelation. The teachers contin-ued with a speech about their plans following their inevitable election. Humbly, they wish to continue teaching, so as co-presidents they will commission all of MIHS to move to Wash-ington, D.C. and operate as a prestigious, mandatory board-ing school in the White House. Though this may cause minor

inconvenience to a few selfish students, the almighty teach-ers strongly believe the move is necessary. So does 94 percent of the voting population, according to a recent survey performed by the organization of CCDDDA (Chris, Curtis, David, Dino for Dictators of America). The re-sults indicated that a remark-ably large portion of Americans will be voting for our celebrity block teachers.

For years now these four block teachers have run MIHS single-handedly. With the amount of authority they possess, they

Last year, students of MIHS said goodbye to the Class of 2014, and with them, the most memorable rite-of-passage of senior year—the Culminating Project. Hearing horror stories of failed projects and sleepless nights, the Classes of 2015, 2016, and 2017 felt nothing but relief when the District put an end to the much-maligned program. However, in a stroke of inspiration, the Administration has announced plans to re-establish a new and improved Culminating Project 2.0.

Over the last ten years, the Culminating Project has been an opportunity for seniors to dem-onstrate their maturity, inde-pendence, and creative passions in a 40-hour long venture to ex-plore their place in the world. However, in recent years, MIHS has seen a dramatic decline in the interest students exhibit for the project, leading to the con-clusion that seniors are misun-derstanding the purpose. With this in mind, the Administration removed the project indefinitely at the end of last year following the presentations.

“We realized that this was not the best course of action and de-cided to put an end to it,” said Principal Vicki Puckett “How-ever, in doing so, we removed

the fundamental part of MIHS culture and tradition that kids look forward to. We deeply re-gret our decision and have put appropriate measures into place to address it.”

Already more than 25 percent of students at MIHS are com-pletely oblivious to what was the schools’ most deep-seated tradition.

“Nobody knows what a cul-minating project is anymore,” said graduate of 1954 Dolores-Kathy-Agnes-Pamala Birkson III. “Out of the 10 freshman I surveyed, not a single one knew what I was talking about! I was completely shocked that under-classmen have failed to learn about the one thing I believe defines us as a community. It is a disgrace that kids don’t get to listen to presentations about family recipes, family trips, and music lessons for instruments they already play.” Studies con-ducted by the Department of Useless Humans show that out of the four grades, freshmen are the most likely to be unaware of important MIHS traditions.

However, the return of the Culminating Project for the Class of 2016 and those follow-ing has led to an outcry among juniors and sophomores.

“I think this is absolutely ridiculous,” said junior Chris Chrisley. Astonishingly, seniors have been keeping a fairly neu-

tral stance on this issue—pos-sibly a sign of the same matu-rity the Culminating Project 2.0 would highlight, had it been put into effect this year. “It is in my own personal, individual, and unique opinion that the en-hanced Culminating Project 2.0 will have an indisputably auspi-cious effect on the underclass-man,” said senior Vionette Von Trapp.

To be sure, not all Islanders believe that the school simply made a mistake in taking away the project and is trying to com-pensate by bringing back 2.0. Rumors have been circulating that the school accepted “dona-tions” from the Class of 2015 and allowed the students to get out of having to do a Culminat-ing Project themselves. “It just seems rather sketchy that the current seniors don’t do a proj-ect when all the classes before and after them have to,” said an anonymous sophomore who will not provide her name in fear of retribution. Indeed many be-lieve that school should have in-stead kept the project going and made changes along the way rather than stopping completely and restarting. “It is like a car. If you stop and start again, you use more fuel than if you stay moving and change speeds,” said spanish teacher Señor Itis. Keeping in mind the lack of sur-prise exhibited by the seniors at

the return of the project, most have come to the conclusion that the Class of 2015 came together at some point last year and con-vinced the school in an under the table maneuver to postpone 2.0 for one year.

Culminating Project 2.0 will include new requirements that will help students engage the world in a personal journey of self discovery. Each project must include at least one student from each grade K-12, two different types of animals, one homemade cookbook, a lesson on an instru-ment you already know, one yoga class, a family vacation to a tropical country to study turtles, and coaching one kid’s soccer team in addition to all the pre-vious requirements. Some topics will be banned such as running a non-profit for starving children in Africa, building a generator out of an old bike, and starting a jewelry company. The presenta-tion must include a PowerPoint, a poster, a Prezi, a song, a com-mercial, a dance, food, and the impossible task of naming each person in one’s BRIDGES group all within 30 seconds. “We hope that these adjustments will help our seniors to discover them-selves and their place in soci-ety, and perhaps take off some stress from the gruesome second semester of senior year,” said Puckett.

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Queen Izzy and“King” Philippministers of propoganda

(continued on page 6)

day school to those who leave a mess behind? The average kid is fully potty trained by the time he reaches the elementary school age. MISD is conducting a study to research adding a curricular thread on bathroom etiquette. Speaking on condi-tion of anonymity, one district employee told the Islander, “This curriculum excites us, but we want to proceed cau-

tiously to make sure we don’t negatively impact our E2 and AP focus.”

All the people who don’t flush need to be gathered in a room and be retaught the basics of bathroom etiquette from a team of highly trained professional 7-year-olds; they will tell you how your bathroom habits are “icky” and attempt to drill some knowledge into your empty head.

The logical explana-tion for students stupid-ity must be deep psycho-logical issues relating to problems with aban-donment, not wanting to give away something created by you and watch it enter the unknown, or it could be the inner an-imalistic pride of one’s feces? “Look at my work. I have a good diet.”

If the modern toilet was never invented, we would all still be doing our business like animals, which is what is happening in this school.

For the majority of the MIHS population who flush and have to clean up after you, we are dis-gusted by the lack of courtesy and respect you show for others.

To all the non-flushers out there who cannot grasp the sim-ple concept of taking the extra few seconds to apply a slight pressure to a simple lever mech-anism, have you ever thought of putting your head in a toilet and flushing? If not, then do it.

Imagine: you rush into the bathroom, your stomach cramp-ing and growling from the pre-vious night’s spicy Mexican dinner. When you open the stall door, you see that there is no toi-let, gasping with horror, you run to the next stall and fling open the door, yet again, there is no toilet, only emptiness where your porcelain throne should be. Some time in the month of April, the Mercer Is-land School District will send in a team of highly skilled professionals to remove toi-lets from every bathroom. MISD has decided too many MIHS students and staff members have gone to use the restroom in the afternoon and been dissatisfied with the state of the cleanliness. This situation has grown too common and has been going on for so long that they have had enough; the district has made the executive decision to remove the schools toilets.

Groundskeeper William “Willie” MacDougal, common-ly knows as “Groundskeep-er Willie,” has been serving MIHS for the last 26 years. “I’ve worked oan thes cam-pus fur 26 years, in th’ lest fife years thaur has bin an increase in students nae flushin’ th’ lavvy,” said MacDou-gal “every day when ah gang tae clean th’ bathrooms, students’ jobby is floatin’ in jist abit every lavvy. It is mingin’, thenk god th’ district is removin’ th’ toilets, mah job will be much easier.”

It obviously isn’t an issue of the bathrooms being clean, in the mornings the toilets are so clean that they sparkle; it is the immaturity of the MIHS student body and staff that make the toi-lets exponentially more gross throughout the day. Are the non-flushers thinking about how traumatic the clean up of your

messy work must be for Willie and our virtuous custodians? Imagine having to go into the bathrooms and clean that mess. As a result of negligence, the only time it is safe to go to the bathroom is in the morning when you’re the first one who uses the stall and can see the pure white porcelain so clean it has lines.

Even most toddlers consider others’ feelings and are able to

see that it is morally right to take the extra half second to flush the toilet and save someone else the psychological trauma of stum-bling upon a full toilet. Thanks to the lack of common courtesy, the experience and luxury of using a toilet during the eight hours we are at school will be gone. Maybe the school should recruit a team of elementary schoolers to properly educate the student body on how to flush the toilet.

Should the school have in-vested in diapers? Hire a team of potty trained children? May-be have a chaperone to accom-pany students and give Satur-

2 FEATURES mihsislander.org

Making room for PDA

Toilets removed from school bathrooms

Richard Allan Chess, Sr.80-year-old monkey’s uncle

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CornWheelergirl-who-left-class-crying-when-Zayn-left-One-Direction

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Interview with the soulless

Photo by Mithril HuguninKatherine Spencer, freshman representative of the endangered species of gingers

Meethrill Huguninininininfluttershy worshipper

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Mithril: What’s your name and grade? Katherine: I’m Katherine Spencer, a freshman at MIHS for the last few years.Mithril: Do you feel resentment toward South Park for blowing your species’ cover?Katherine: I don’t feel resent-ment partially because I haven’t watched it. However, it would have been far more convenient for me if they hadn’t brought the subject up.Mithril: How did your family react when they realized you were a ginger?Katherine: My family? I don’t know, they were very supportive but I could tell that they were disappointed in me. They had to work hard to allow me to fit in with the other children, and we have had some conflict.Mithril: About how often do people hurtfully assume that you have a soul?Katherine: It really depends on if I’m wearing a hat or not, the hair really gives it away. I find that in general people will just assume that everyone is human. This is a generalization that can really hurt my minority, espe-cially when everything seems to be made of salt or iron. That’s the one thing I really appreciate

Toilets were removed from the bathrooms after students repeatedly demon-strated their inability to flush.

Photo by Corinne Wheeler

about the South Park revela-tion, with increased awareness the government can put in the necessary restrictions on prod-uct composition.Mithril: Have you experienced discrimination for being a de-mon?Katherine: Well, there was this one time when I just did something and my eyes flashed red and everyone freaked out. It was, like, at this camp and it was on the first day and no one would hang out with me after that. Occasionally people have even pranked me by splash-ing holy water around. While I appreciate religious freedom, churches seem to unanimously feel that violence against de-mons is justified. I’m lucky to attend a school like MIHS that tolerates all people and non-peo-ple; I’ve heard that in the south it’s far worse.Mithril: Do you feel social pres-sure to dye your hair and pass yourself off as a mortal?Katherine: In ways, yes, I’m proud to be who I am but I just feel like I’d be a lot more proud if society accepted me more. There’s also a bunch of confu-sion and paperwork with pass-ports and border-control, but in general the government seems to tolerate me.

This article is not about: Drugs, Construc-tion, E. coli, Overrides, Drugs, New teach-ers, Golf, Drugs, Snowflake Lane, Adderall, E-cigs, Drugs, Bus system, Trivia, Soccer, Drugs, Driving, Sports Seasons, Drugs, Hol-iday Recipes, Reviews, Running Start and Crest, Unhealthy food, Drugs, Sportsman-ship, Overcrowding in schools, The Nut-cracker, Drugs, School Plays, Dodgeball, Test anxiety because of rigorous academics, Parking (or lack of), Drugs, Mercer Island politics, Weird Sports, The Library, Drugs, MIPs (Mercer Island Points), or Drugs

Corn Wheelergirl-who-left-class-crying-when-Zayn-left-One-Direction

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After much deliberation, MIHS administrators have de-cided to alter the daily sched-ule, providing students with an additional five minutes for each passing peri-od to accom-modate pub-lic displays of affection.

“Here at the High School, we strive for e q u a l i t y among our students,” said Principal Vic-ki Puckett. “More passing pe-riod time stops discrimination against those who have special affections for others.”

However, some Mercer Island residents wanted a lengthier break for extended make-out sessions. “I pay property taxes for my kids to have a good time at school! What could be wrong with an extra few minutes in the day for PDAing?” said Michelle Martin, leader of a local student rights advocacy group.

Research conducted in Patty Weston’s freshman chemistry class supports Martin’s stance. The recent study concluded

that periodic expressions of endearment promote better fo-cus in class, higher grades and SAT scores, not to mention the increased motivation and en-thusiasm. Upon reaching these findings, the class immediate-

ly contacted school Admin-istration in efforts to en-courage more affection.

“When I found that I could mix less discrimination with increased school perfor-

mance, I stopped worrying about the iPads and construction, and made finding a solution my num-ber one priority,” said Puckett.

The School’s next idea is an-other renovation to add mood lighting and more dark corners for make out sessions. Early proposals featured an extension to the west gym. Expect to see a bond proposal on the next ballot.

Puckett, who will oversee the transition to the new schedule, hopes that there will not be any problems with shortening each class. “I am just very excited about the whole process, and I can’t wait for our students to fi-nally enjoy school.”In short, Integrity, Innovation, Inspiration.

PDA is evident among teachers as well as students.Photo by Corinne Wheeler

3SPORTSApril 1, 2015

he imported all sizes and vari-eties of Buddhas from Vietnam. He could often be seen in down-town Seattle selling Buddhas to cars at stop lights. Mr. Willecke had this to say about teaching with him: “I never knew what the [redacted] he was talking about in class, and neither did anybody else. But he was so pas-sionate about the literature that we just all went along with it.” Mr. Johnston is survived by his two children, Emily, 18, and Ty-ler, 16, who ask that donations in Mr. Johnston’s honor be made to his favorite charity, named Be Nice to All Critters: Save the King Crab. Curtis Johston’s passing has brought all of MIHS together in this time of sadness.

Southern bells ring as local volleyball coach ascends Curtis Johnstonby Jessica Kwalkerby

recently kicked out of band

“I hate the South.”

Curtis Johnston, 47, passed away last week in a diving acci-dent off of Hawaii. Mr. Johnston was looking for Captain Hook’s fabled pirate treasure, and nev-er resurfaced, according to his dive partner, David Willecke. Mr. Johnston gained fame in his younger years for winning the World Series of Jai Alai, where he set the world record for the fastest pelota speed at 188 miles per hour. During his teaching career, Mr. Johnston could be seen walking the halls, mutter-ing about “The Wretched South,” and quoting William Faulkner lines. Most recently, Mr. John-ston was working hard to build up his import business, called “Buddhas for Peace,” in which

The sunrise of MI’s football dominance

MIHS Football Coach Brett Ogata has high hopes for next years’ football season. Thanks to the addition of new science labs, students can now manu-facture genetically engineered super-humans with the singular goal of beating Bellevue’s foot-ball team.

The $11 million project may seem like an unrealis-tic, even superflu-ous addition to the school, but in reali-ty, it is a necessary step forward. “When we first introduced iPads to the Dis-trict, people were just as suspicious,” said Principal Vicki Puckett.

“But, consider-ing the success of that project, I can say, that without a doubt, these new S u p e r - I s -landers™ will only make MIHS a better, more successful high school, like Bellevue.”

The Super-Islanders™ will possess superior physical qual-ities such as speed, endurance, and agility. Under the instruc-tion of Sam Gadbury, instructor for next years’ Super-Island-ers™ Construction Course, stu-dents will gain skills that will greatly benefit them later in life if they choose to pursue a career

in genetic engineering. The one drawback of the ge-

netically engineered super-hu-mans is that off the field, they have the mental capacity of a preschooler. This was confirmed in an interview with a member of the Bellevue High School football team. “MVP run real good for coach and coach knows MVP like runnin’. Coach puts

MVP in to run real hard so MVP run’ded the fastiest.” The soph-omore player would only refer to himself in the third person and therefore the Islander as-sumes that he wishes to remain anonymous. MVP has already received multiple scholarship of-fers, and, unsurprisingly, holds the highest GPA on the team. “Super-humans are a product of their environment. They adapt themselves in a way that creates superiority to those in their im-

mediate peer group,” said Gad-bury. “Luckily, due to the highly academic atmosphere of MIHS as well as our superior iPad technology, our Super-Island-ers™ will function at the brain capacity of a 4.0 student.”

To secure their spot on the team, all current players on the team will be required to tryout against the Super-Islanders™.

“We understand this may seem unfair to many players,” said Ogata, “but it is a nec-essary step in creating a team that can actu-ally have a chance at beating Bellevue. This is the 21st century, and we need 21st cen-tury technology on the field if we want to not only keep up with our competition, but sur-pass it as well.”

School administra-tion hopes to expand

the implementation of the Super-Islanders™ through-out the school as the program progresses and grows. In the next five years, MIHS admin-istration predicts that not only will we be beating Bellevue in football and other sports, but we will be seeing super-human-ly produced artwork, plays, and even newspapers.

Talk with your counselor to see if you are eligible to enroll in this course, a course that will change MIHS for the better.

Jill Gromalleybyassistant (to the) editor in chief

BAND BANNED

Proposed transformation for all Super-Islanders™Photo courtesy of dreamstine.com

MIHS has banned its re-nowned marching Band from all football games in the upcom-ing 2015-16 season, a first time in MIHS history. In fact, the ban is unprecedented in all of Washington state. “The Band is simply too large,” said Associate Principal Mark Zmuda. “Logis-tically, we cannot accommodate it next year. After that, well, we will have to wait and see.” Later remarks from Zmuda indicated that the band, though a timeless tradition at MIHS, will never be welcomed back.

As a result of the ongoing Mercer Island School District construction, several under-ground holes were inadvertently discovered on MISD properties with a thin Mega Block. These underground holes can become dangerous sinkholes if stressed. Last month, geotechnical engi-neers used ground-penetrating radar to determine the extent of the underground holes. To the district’s dismay, a large sink-hole was found directly beneath the MIHS stadium bleacher sec-tion traditionally reserved for the band. Although an anomaly, sinkholes do occur in the Puget Sound Region.

“For the past few years, the music department has done a terrific job of making the band program attractive to middle school students,” said Principal Vicki Puckett. “Unfortunately, there is now too much interest, and the band is too large to be accommodated on top of a sink

hole.” Predictably, Band Direc-tors Parker Bixby and Ryan Lane are extremely disappoint-ed that their efforts to increase interest in the band had unin-tended consequences. “The band is banned, not because of the unbelievably amazing euphoric music we play, but because too many students participate and love band,” said Lane.

Upon hearing the news, or-chestra members were seen smiling throughout the day, hopeful that they might be in-vited to replace the band during football games. Puckett indi-cated that she was open to the idea if a marching protocol could be choreographed, particularly for the bass players. Members of the Harry Potter Club also expressed delight at the news. “The Band gets too much at-tention, and too much funding,” said club member Xander Hora-tio LaCrampe. “Maybe now the school will finally be able to help buy new broomsticks for our Quidditch team, we’re tired of borrowing them from the custo-dians.” In response, Bixby said, “One might wonder if the sink hole was the result of some foul play using ancient spells.”

Chief security officer Kelly John-Lewis is currently inves-tigating Bixby’s concerns. Some conspiracy theorists believe that the sinkholes are the work of subversive moles that belong to an anarchist-anti-music syndi-cate. Speaking anonymously, one member said, “It’s the vibra-tions we can’t abide. Bad foot-ball is one thing, but we must stand against Band.”

A brief history of streakingFrom the beginning of time

man has been curious. It is this curiosity that has lead to many of mankind’s greatest discov-eries. For the Neanderthal this was the sparking of two rocks, for Karl Benz it was the thought of fossil fuels being used in a combustion engine, and for Mer-cer Island it was the donning of a mask, the dropping of trou and the sprinting across a field in front of bewildered spectators. This discovery, made by Mer-cer Island’s forefathers forever changed the world and is still seen by many as Mercer Island’s crowning achievement.

Mercer Island is seen by the world as the wealthy one percent that contributes little but reaps all the rewards. Many Mercer Island residents would argue that this perception is far from true. “During civil unrest the

smallest spark can set off a full blown riot, especially during a sports game; streaking provides a release from this tension and gives both sides a hero to cheer for,” said Mercer Island resident and hero Omid Yazdani.

The art of streaking can be traced back to the ear-ly ninetieth century when Mercer Island’s first settler, Thomas Mer-cer, was heed-ing mother na-ture’s call and was abruptly chased by a deer.

J o u r n a l s from our speedy settler have recently been released for public viewing. “I suddenly heard a blood cur-dling yelp,” said Mercer. “As I ran from the beast, adrenaline

pumping through my loins, I passed the women’s camp and heard a mixture of laughter and astonishment. It was at this moment I realized that history would never be the same again.” Later settler journal entries

cite multiple incidents of Mer-cer running naked, later named ‘streaking,’ in the attempt of perfecting the art.

Formulas for the perfect

streak were also contained in the journals, and account for thousands of variables. These formulas have stumped the best minds of the twentieth and twenty first century, including; Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawk-

ing, and Kim Schjelderup. In recent years streaking has evolved for new applica-tions. Not only is it the purest form of art and a way to paci-fy countries at war, it is now a rite of passage. This rite of pas-sage is only for young men and women with

the courage of a lion and the balls of an ox.

Streaking has developed into a beloved past time of Mercer Island. Whether a resident is

Sh’AwAughn Hawkingbysports editor

Photo courtesy of mercerislandschools.org

streaking to express himself or herself, attempting to ease tension between two sides, or passing the threshold into man hood, streaking has proved more influential in the advancement of human culture than the atom bomb or “The Interview.”

Most cultures have differing views and beliefs but the one thing that ties every culture together is streaking. “When you’re that vulnerable to the surrounding environment you can’t help but let go of all world-ly problems,” said Yazdani. “It doesn’t matter if you’re streak-ing with your neighbor, or someone from across the world. When you’re running naked and vulnerable all differences fade away.” Thomas Mercer knew streaking would change the world. In the coming centuries, though streaking is likely to ad-just to the shifts in culture, one fact is certain: Mercer Island’s love of streaking is the only con-stant in the known universe.

Band stands at attention, with no idea that the stands could collapse at any minute.

Local hero attempts the perfect streak during a boys lacrosse gamePhoto courtesy of soundlacrosse.com

Compiled by Samantha Philipp and Corinne Wheeler

6 mihsislander.org

Meethril Huguninininininfluttershy worshipperby

opPOOM

Every single freshman at Mercer Island High School is re-quired to read and analyze “Lord of the Flies.” However, leaving my freshman English class, I felt as though my understand-ing of the novel was not at the level it could have been. Now, this is not a fault of the teacher; I simply believe that hands-on experience is the best method of learning for me. That is why I think it is imperative that the school funds a mandatory one-month field trip to a deserted island in the middle of the Pacif-ic Ocean where the entire fresh-man class would be dropped off, without any supplies. Not only would this experience further the students’ understanding of the novel, but it would provide them with unforgettable life les-sons as well.

The first, and most import-ant reason why this trip would be extremely beneficial is the educational aspect. There is no better way for students to real-ly get in the characters’ heads than to live through similar sit-uations. By writing at least a ten-page essay comparing their experiences to those of the char-acters on the flight home, stu-dents would feel like they know Ralph, Piggy, and Jack better

Mount Rushmore (cont’d)Opinions

The value in NeopetsEconomic classes of MIHS are

valuable tools, but the time has come for a more modern out-look. Economy classes include Personal Finance, AP Microeco-nomics, and AP Macroeconom-ics; however, none of these can provide the online engagement and complex bartering systems of Neotopia. The administra-tion should remove these classes from the curriculum and instead have classes held on how to play Neopets. The online pet simu-lator has far more educational value and can engage the upper classmen of today.

“I got my business skills from that game!” said local business owner Thompson Unfabical. In the Neopets, anyone can sign up online for free and begin to earn and spend virtual currency. There is also a form of curren-cy that can be bought with real money, this is fully realistic, as some students will receive mon-ey from parents even after grad-uating. At the start of every se-mester the teachers can poll on how much money students ex-pect to receive every month, and the school can rightfully pay for it. In addition, you can choose to play games to simulate the work life and get a steady flow of Neopoints, or go on quests to possibly get large quantities, like working at an unstable job that gives sporadic pay. You can buy decorations and costumes for your pets, expending large amounts of your currency for purely cosmetic purposes. These are the realistic concerns that young adults will face when they graduate; Do they really need to learn about the economic states of developing countries? While learning how stocks affect com-mercial businesses can have

academic interest, it is better to actually have invested in stocks, even if they are imaginary. Neo-pets also has a bartering system and the potential for spending currency for self-improvement and long-term gain.

Old-fashioned Econ classes are not without merit. Being able to take an Advanced Place-ment test for college credit can help you get into the school of your dreams. So we have to ask ourselves, do the students of MIHS want a course that simply gives college credits, or one that legitimately teaches and pre-pares them for life? Draw Kab, a junior currently in AP Micro-economics, says that there are enough other AP classes that students can take if they’re par-anoid overachievers. “I’d love to be able to study Neopets, but I just don’t have the free time- I would totally take the class if it was offered.”

There is a compromise that has the perfect balance between education and credit. Making Neopets an AP course, colleges would desperately try to recruit anyone with AP Neopets on their resume. The leadership involved with helping your classmates with quests could lead to an hon-orary position, Neopro. You’d be a lock for Ivy League admission with that on your application.

Administration must realize that current course offerings are substandard, and we need an additional class. To speed up the bureaucratic dead time we can make the choice to drop out of any current Econ classes and use the free time to start a Neopets account as soon as possible. Receiving credits from such a class cannot justify the lost opportunity for what school and Neopets are all really about: authentic learning.

...have made their way up the political food chain, all the way to knocking on the door of the Presidency. For over 30 years, the public has been berating the candidates with questions of when they will run for pres-idency.

“It’s been a long time coming, and all people have been asking them for the past 30 years is, ‘when are you running? America needs heroes like you in office!’” said campaign manager Jan Sayers wistfully, “I would’ve run myself but the artists just couldn’t carve my hair right. What could’ve been…”

The teachers explained that they really needed to start off their dictatorship, I mean pres-idency, with a bang. The carving was actually finished in time for the 2008 Presidential election, but Americans were “still far too unworthy of such great leaders,” said Sayers. But at last, the day is finally here: April 1, 2015 will go down in history.

The reason they are running now is that they feel that there are too many evil laws limiting our rights as citizens. They have already publicly discussed many of their policies, and America agrees: “My first executive order will be to outlaw all Priuses or something like that,” says John-ston. However, the teachers are not in agreement about every-thing. Willecke quickly inter-rupted Johnston’s polemic: “Prii, it’s Prii, Curtis.”

Nonetheless, their presiden-tial campaign will surely be a success. The candidates have assured The Islander that these differences in opinion have only made them stronger. Four times the number of presidents means four times the dedication, hard work, and change, after all.

“I didn’t even know we were

running,” said Dino, bringing his usual charisma, wit, and humility to the endless list of assets of the presidential dream team.

At 8 a.m. PST, the teach-ers-turned potentates delivered a second campaign speech, ex-clusively for Seattle, in front of the First Starbucks at Pike Place Market. In perfect unison, they delivered a speech in front of a 200,000 person crowd, with both Barack Obama and Beyon-cé in attendance: “Free pair of jeans for everybody,” Willecke said. “Everybody has to wear jeans!” Johnston followed. The entire crowd began to simulta-neously weep and cheer, while holding up their iPhones, sip-ping soy lattes, and recycling.

The real question remains: what would be first changes voters will enjoy as Willecke, Johnston, Dino, and Twombley assume the helm?

“There will be no speed lim-its,” Johnston said, in an exclu-sive interview with The Island-er. Eradicating speed limits is the next logical step we must take, benefitting the entire com-munity at no added cost to the taxpayer. The mass melting of speed limit signs, will actually “help cover the expenses of but-tons for the Free and Mandatory Jeans Act,” Annest noted.

Willecke has also expressed the need to outlaw the moribund National Spelling Bee: “Spell-ing does not count and we gotta get rid of that whole thing. It’s a communist organization and they just have to be brought under control. Its abolishment would be my number one priori-ty,” Willecke said.

But let’s back up, how did the four leaders earn their way? Many CCDDDA scholars believe that the quartet first started as an anti-Comcast protest group, then quickly rose to fame for

The freshmen class is dying to go on the field trip.[Photo by Corinne Wheeler

than they know themselves. And that wouldn’t just be a side effect of dehydration and jet lag.

The trip could also provide an invaluable bonding experience for the class. It is impossible to not come together and bond when in a life or death situation. A junior at the high school, who wishes to remain anonymous, was stranded for three months with his family and said that they have “never been closer, es-pecially after sacrificing my lit-tle brother to the almighty Pig Gods.”

This survival scenario will work to strengthen the class as well. Weak students will be vi-olently weeded out, resulting in an extremely strong and capa-ble sophomore class. Fewer stu-dents would also mean a lower teacher-to-student ratio in the classroom and therefore a bet-ter education for the remaining students.

Students will also be learn-ing valuable life lessons that will stick with them for life. It is a dog-eat-dog adult world and what better way to learn this than under the threat of canni-balism, sunstroke, starvation, flesh-eating insects, and high-ly infectious tropical diseases. Students will also learn to make split-second decisions in high stress scenarios as well as learn-ing to work with, manage, and

cook their peers.I understand that this idea

may raise some concerns from parents. I would like to address t h o s e d i r e c t -ly. “My c h i l d needs to be reg-u l a r l y m e d i -cated! ” You cry. “ T h e y are not strong enough to survive on a deserted island!” You moan. “But what about my child’s peanut aller-gy, celiac disease, sugar intoler-ance, and/or strict vegan diet?” To these rational concerns I re-ply that, considering the legal process required to approve a trip such as this, the children who would be affected are the Districts’ current K-5 popula-tion. Therefore, you have some time to start weaning your child off her medication, and I would highly recommend beginning strength and endurance train-ing now. As for your child’s di-etary concerns, I can guarantee that all children who return will have no sign of any food intoler-ances. The trip will even instill healthy eating habits into your child. A diet of fruit and raw

Jill Gromalleyby assistant (to the) editor in chief

Lord of the Flies freshman field trip proposalmeat will teach students the val-ue of avoiding trans fats, artifi-cial sugars, and preservatives in their everyday diet and making

sure they eat enough to have the energy to go hunt for more food will teach them to be much more thought-ful about the things they put into their body.

Along with this trip I also propose a special reintegration process to allow sur-viving students to

seamlessly reenter society. The school should strongly consider providing courses that reintro-duce the students to civilization such as, “You were a cannibal, now what?,” “Less deadly ways to bully your peers,” and “En-glish for those who have forgot-ten how to speak it,” may pro-vide some help, but the majority of reintegration will fall on the parents’ shoulders. However, if their children returned from the trip in one piece, they were clearly doing something right before, and I would say they just need to keep up the good work. Parents of said returning chil-dren will be invited to a “your child is superior” party hosted by the Mom Mafia, and those whose children were lost will be given a t-shirt that reads, “my

child died on a deserted island and all I got was this crummy t-shirt.”

The highly respected schol-ar Spock once said that, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” I believe my proposal puts this principle into action. Weeding out the weak students while they are still young will not only work to make MIHS a better place, it will also increase the strength of society as a whole. This trip, in the long run, is nothing but beneficial. It would ensure our students are prepared for the world outside of high school as well as, if not more important-ly, extremely advanced in their reading comprehension skills which would allow for higher scores on smarter balance tests.

I hope that eventually, this method of teaching books through real-life experience will expand past “Lord of the Flies.” Imagine how beneficial it would be for students reading “Romeo and Juliet” to spend a week at Bellevue High School, learning about overcoming the stereo-types of our “Two households, both alike in dignity.” A “Lord of the Flies” inspired survival field trip is only the beginning of a new era of teaching litera-ture and will result in smarter, stronger, and more capable gen-erations to come.

their refreshingly honest and progressive views: “All four of us believe that Comcast is an evil entity. Whatever, I know Dino does. We talked about it. I’m not even sure Twombley has a TV, but he hates everything, so he’s on board,” said Johnston.

“There’s no earthly reason why my Internet should cost that much, and their practices of bundling TV is discrimina-tory to people who don’t want TV or don’t want to watch TV. I’m gonna convert them into a public utility and regulate them through the Public Utilities Commission,” Willecke warned, clearly having been meticulous-ly designing this plan for years. Comcast was unavailable to comment.

Clearly, we are about to ex-perience a new era in United States, nay, world history with these leaders. Though their an-nouncement was unexpected, it is exactly what the mafia needs. As our great leaders have taught us, history textbooks are mean-ingless and dumb; the only way to properly commemorate this news is by carving their iconic faces as 60-ft-tall sculptures into the mountain of democracy. Just as Washington, Jefferson, Roos-evelt, and Lincoln’s carvings represented the first 150 years of the United States, Johnston, Willecke, Dino, and Twombley’s will represent the next 1000. As we pack our bags in prepa-ration for the big move to D.C., one must wonder how we were ever so lucky to experience high school with such magnificent role models as our guides. We look forward to a new time in America, one without any in-fringement on our rights to life, liberty, and reasonably-priced internet contracts.

In memory of Curtis Johnston’s hair. May it rest in pieces.

(continued from page 1)

7A&EApril 1 2015

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Drama teacher announces new play for next yearJill Gromalley

byshark friend

Photo courtesy of eonline.com These shark costumes will be used for the play.

Jim Colerick - Rappin’ for Jesus (Explicit)This song is sure to make you chuckle and dance like an old

lady; the low tech music video finds a pastor named Jim Colerick and his wife rapping about their relationship with Jesus Christ. This song is the ultimate diss to people who are sinful, while still managing to give us the push to go to Sunday school every once in a while, “If you do drugs and think you’re cool, You need to come to Sunday school! Put those drugs in the garbage can Stand up tall, you’re a Christian man!” while managing to rub their way of life in the faces of listeners “I don’t blaspheme and I don’t brag, I don’t cuss, and my pants don’t sag, I do exude a little Christian swag, And I’m proud to be an American!” Word Up Mr. & Ms. Colerick!

Aqua - Barbie GirlWith the simple yet enticing lyrics and uplift-

ing techno beats, this song is a timeless classic. Inspired by the lavish lifestyle of the popular childrens toy Barbie, this bubblegum pop song sparked a bit of controversy due to the lyrics that sexualized the children’s toy, referring to Barbie as a “Blonde Bimbo” (A girl who is stupid, wears lots of makeup and is obsessed with boys and clothes). Although this can be slightly disturbing, this song is an upbeat, cheery, work of art that’s easy to get up and dance to.

“Rob Cantor - Shia LaBeouf” Live

From “Even Stevens” to the first three in-stallments of the “Transformers” series, Shia LaBeouf is an actor well known to many (al-though, according to himself he isn’t famous anymore). In the hit song “Shia LaBeouf”, Rob Cantor introduces a new angle to LaBeouf: What if he was a cannibal? The song was initially released in 2012, and since then Cantor released a video for the song which features the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles, the West Los Angeles Children’s Choir and the Argus Quartet, the video itself is bizarre, but manages to be the perfect visual aid in fully understanding what it would be like to be engaged in a fight with an alter ego cannibalistic Shia LeBeouf.

Next year’s spring musical will be a special one for MIHS Drama. After an extensive and competitive application pro-cess, MIHS has been chosen from the thousands of schools that applied to bring the next big Broadway musical to life on their home stage for the first time ever. With a score written by famous composers such as Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Web-ber, and Stephen Sondheim, and a cast of characters that rivals those of a Shakespearean cho-rus, “Sharknado! The Musical” promises to captivate.

When asked about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, dra-ma teacher Daniela Melgar said, “we are truly honored to be the first troupe to bring such an amazing story to the stage. When I watched ‘Sharknado’, its complex plot and colorful cast of characters blew me away. I understand that a lot of people think the movie is unnecessarily violent and lacking in a mean-ingful story, but it think it is a work of art that will lend itself beautifully to the stage.”

The musical adaption of the 2013 hit will not disappoint fans

of the movie. Both the original director and writer worked on the musical’s script as well as on some of its songs. They will also be working very closely with our high school cast by moving everyone into one communi-ty home so they can monitor the everyday lives of the students, a process they claim is “the only way they can ensure a perfor-mance that will do the original work jus-tice.”

“It’s Raining Sharks (Hallelujah),” “The Sound of Chain-saws,” and “Eye of the Tigershark,” are only a select few of the many amazing songs that have been written for the production. “The music I wrote for this piece is definitely something that I’m proud of,” said Elton John. “For-get the Lion King, ‘Sharknado! The Musical’ is by far some of my best work.”

It is rumored that the same people that clothed the sharks at the Katy Perry Half-Time Show for the Super Bowl will provide costumes for the MIHS theater

run. However, this is only a speculation because the produc-tion team has claimed that they are “on a budget” and that, “any-one can look like a shark with

enough makeup, plastic teeth, and a fake fin.”

The biggest challenge of this production is in the creation of the sharknado itself. Luckily, the chance to perform this rev-olutionary piece of art in our high school theatre comes with the installation of state-of-the-art equipment. A flying system, which will be able to spin up to ten actors at speeds reaching 50 miles per hour, is to be installed

over the summer. The school has also already placed orders for the five high-power chainsaws that will be used throughout the production.

While some ac-tors have already displayed concern regarding the safety of such a machine, the production team would like to re-mind students that, “Art is pain,” and that, “without a re-alistic sharknado, the show would nev-er make it on Broad-way.” When asked for more informa-tion regarding the

safety of the Shark Flyer 3000, inven-

tor Brian Hampsch answered all our questions with more questions and therefore the Is-lander has no accurate informa-tion to report at this time.

To get more students involved in this amazing opportunity, the football team has been cast to play all of the sharks. They will be undergoing an intensive three-month rehearsal process that will include classes on shark psychology

and behavioral studies taught by world-renowned marine psychologist, Dr. Sea Bastion. “The classes will really help these otherwise inexperienced actors become one with their shark selves,” said Melgar. “We will also be requiring them to watch and analyze the High School Musical series, a process that we hope will allow the athletes to see this experience as the start of something new; once they realize they do not have to stick to the status quo, I hope they will come to see that, as a school faced with such a great opportunity, we’re all in this together.”

This production is hopeful-ly one of many pre-Broadway shows that will grace the MIHS stage. As of now, the drama department has entered con-tests to feature “Star Trek Into the Music,” “Kill Bill,” and “50 Shades! On Ice” in future sea-sons. But without the support of the school, these productions will never become a reality and so Melgar urges students and other members of the Mercer Island Community to pre-or-der their tickets to the debut of “Sharknado! The Musical” as soon as possible.

Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley This work of art was released in 1987, and was a worldwide

number one hit. The song was number one for five weeks (but will always be number one in my heart) and was the best-selling single of that year, as well as topped the charts in 25 countries. In 2008 the trend, “rickrolling”, (posting a link to the music video for “Never Gonna Give You Up”, but disguis-ing the link as something misleading) emerged. With its late eighties pop beats and seducing lyrics saying how he will treat you right and how hes not like most, “A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of You wouldn’t get this from any other guy” Rick Astley has succeeded in creating a song that will be popular for many more years to come.

Eduard Khil - “I Am Glad, ‘Cause I’m Finally Re-turning Back Home”

Often referred to as the “russian rickroll” or “trololo”, this non lexical vocable version of the song “I Am Glad, ‘Cause I’m Finally Returning Back Home” which inspired many internet memes, is beautifully sung by russian singer Eduard Khil. Khil captivates listeners with vowels that flow together in perfect harmony, the lyrics are easy to memorize and are sure to stay in your memory for a lifetime.

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