The Power of Speaking

المقصودAl-Maqsûd

Islamic Life Skills Training

Advanced Islamic Life Skills

COMMUNICATING

EFFECTIVELY



Communicating Effectively

Session 1- Power of Listening31st August 2014

Session 2- Power of Speaking30th November 2014

Session 3- Conflict Resolution25th January 2015



How we Communicate

3

Reading

Writing

Listening

Speaking

Not taughtin schools



Senders Receivers

Barrier

Aggressive speaking

Non-assertive speaking

Passive- Aggressive speaking

Assertive speaking

Passive Listening

Selective Listening

Attentive Listening

Active Listening



لنت لهم ن الل فبما رحمة ما غليظ القلب لو كنت فظوا من حولك لنفض

وفاعف عن واستغفر لهم وشاورهم ف المر

فإذا عزمت فتوكل عل الل

يحب المتوكلي إن الل

So by mercy from Allah , you were lenient with them

And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you

So pardon them

and ask forgiveness for them

and consult them in the matter

And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah

Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].

HUMILITY

SELF RESTRAINT IN EMOTION/ PATIENCE

ABANDON ASSUMPTION

BE GENUINE

ACTIVE RESPONSESSHARING/ VERIFYING

MAKE FINAL JUDGEMENTWITHOUT TRANSGRESSING

NOT TO TRANSGRESS IS REWARDING

Receiving

Processing

Responding

Outcome

Communication is Act of Worship



Power of Assertive Speaking

Session 1



Common Myths

1. You’re stuck with your voice

2. Your voice is out of your control

3. Words matter more than voice

4. Looks matter more



What a voice can state about a person

• Physical size

• Race

• Birth place

• Social class

• Age

• occupation



Exercise 1- How do you speak!

• Three people in each group

– Two people talk (Speaker and Listener)

– One Observer

– Rotate after 3-4 minutes



The Messenger of Allah (saw) as a Speaker

Imaam Hasan (ra) says, (my younger brother) Husayn (ra) said: "I asked my father (Sayyidina 'Ali ra) about the conduct of the Messenger of Allah (saw) in his assemblies'

He replied.. the Messenger of Allah (saw) was always happy and easy mannered. There was always a smile and a sign of happiness on his blessed face. He was soft-natured

and when the people needed his approval, he easily gave consent. He did not speak in a harsh tone nor was he stone-hearted. He did not scream while speaking, nor was he

rude or spoke indecently. He did not seek other's faults. He never overpraised anything nor exceeded in joking, nor was he a miser. He kept away from undesirable

language and did not make as if he did not hear anything. If he did not agree with the next person's wish he did not make that person feel disheartened, nor did he promise

anything to that person. He completely kept himself away from three things: from arguments, pride and senseless utterances. He prohibited people from three things. He did not disgrace or insult anyone, nor look for the faults of others, he only spoke

that from which reward was attained

(Shamaa’il Tirmidhi)



Appropriate

Voice

Positive and Engaging

Body Language

How it is said What is saidThe physical

emotion behind it



Appropriate Voice

1 Is speaker clear in what he/ she is saying?

2 Is speaker rushed or slow?

3 Is the voice on same volume and pitch as the listener?

4 Does speaker boom out loudly on isolated words?

5 Does speaker stop and start hesitantly with or without confidence?

1. Clarity

2. Speed

3. Volume

4. Tone

5. Pace



Influence of voice

• Robust voice

• Deep voice

• Fast and energetic

• High pitch

• Nasal speaker

• Hesitation in sound

confident

serious

quick-witted

silly or naive

insensitive / boorish

unconfident



1) Clarity

• Vowels and Consonants

– Consonant- can stretch to give character/ thought clarity• Fffantastic

• Disssgusting

• Hhhorrible

– Vowels- emotion• Coool

• Waaarm

• smoooth



2+3) Speed and Volume

• Intimate encounter– Listener uncomfortable moving forward/ moving back

– Similar volume

– Same speed

– Empathy

• Breathing well– Power of voice- power of breath

– Quality of voice- quality of breath

• Ability to breath deeply- abdominal muscles/ diaphragm

• Producing steady stream of air- blowing out candles

– Breathing pitfalls



(4) Tone• Using the voice

– Positive• Projecting

• Inflection/ pitch> modulation

• Sincerity in tone

– Negative• Sounding uncertain

• Too soft spoken

• Mumbling

• Too loud- harshness

• Dropping voice at end

• Monotonous



(5) Pace

• Positives

– Enunciate words clearly- catch the “t”

– Insert pauses occasionally

– Match pace with listeners pace of speaking

• Negatives

– Speaking too fast

– Slurring words

– Speaking too slowly

– Excessive filler sounds- uh, um, and , ok, like



Appropriate

Voice

Positive and

Engaging

Body Language

How it is said What is saidThe emotion

behind it1. Clarity2. Speed3. Volume4. Tone5. Pace




1 Is speaker honest, direct and constructive?

2 Is the speech short, sweet with focus and with terminology the listener understands?

3 Is the language positive?

4 Does speaker jump to conclusions or makes assumptions alot?

5 Does speaker truly engage with listener?

1. Speaking Positive

2. Avoid negative assumptions

3. Engaging the listener



1) Speaking Positive• Being Powerfully Positive

– Speaking positive• Honest

• Direct (not blunt)

• Constructive (not destructive)

– Avoid sugar coating (be positive)

– Emphasising what you can do- more than what you cant

– Emphasising what you will do

• Communicating with clarity– Short and sweet- be direct, concise, focus only and on main ideas first (less is more)

– Speak so audience understands- right terminology, give numbers

• Language of Solutions– Avoid language that dwells on problems “to me what is happening is...”

– Try language of solutions “I disagree, but let me explain why...”



• Abstaining from Negatives– Avoid hinderers- loaded language (offensive)

• Trigger words-

– Always, never, constantly

– Should, must and need to

– Not, cant , wont

– Maybe, try, perhaps

– Promise

– Policy

• Trigger phrases

– To be honest with you

– You know what i mean

– Trust me

• Message negators

– Now don’t take this personally

– Don’t take this the wrong way

– This isn’t a good idea

– Respond positively



2) Avoid negative assumptions-Barriers

• Jumping to conclusions

– Finishing people’s sentences

– Interrupting before completion of someone’s message

– Tuning out as soon as a person starts talking

– Dismissing new idea before hearing rationale

• Focussing on intentions

• Thinking you know best

• Stereotyping



3) Engaging the Listener• Making conversations open and shut

– Opening• State the topic

• Identify and introduce theme

• Provide context (set the scene)

• State your goal

• Lay the structure/ agenda

• Set the tone

• Prepare listener on what to do

– Finish• Recapping

• Stating what you need

• What next

• Asking for agreement/ commitment



• Helping listener to stay involved

• Add meaning to message

– Visual aids- graphs/ handouts, pictures

– Showing what you mean

– Telling stories

• Sense to humour- (stories familiar themes make people laugh)

– Things to avoid

» Sarcasm

» Ridicule

» Off-colour jokes

» Being a comedian

• Getting listener to respond

– Ask for response

– Complement positive reinforcement- question / response

– Be receptive to questions and give clear, direct answers

– Avoid

» Disagreement right from the beginning

» Comments which criticise the question

» Rambling

– Try to

» Paraphrase- to give you time

» Provide example to clarify question

» One-sentence summary

» Answer question with question if challenging

» Check for listeners understanding



• Developing plan for sensitive issues

– Considerations

• Who is target audience what’s important to them

• Whats their hot buttons

• What is their level of understanding

• Timing and location

• What are possible objections and negative reactions and how to address them



Important points

• What you say is important but how you say it is powerful!

• most people not good listeners that’s why this is important



BREAK

10 minutes



Appropriate

Voice


Body Language

How it is saidThe emotion

behind it1. Clarity2. Speed3. Volume4. Tone5. Pace

1. Speaking Positive2. Avoid negative assumptions3. Engaging the Listener

What is said



Body Language

1 Does speaker give good eye contact when needed?

2 Is speaker able to maintain eye contact?

3 Is the facial expression appropriate and positive?

4 Is the posture appropriate and engaging?

5 Are there any distracting habits?

1. Eye Contact

2. Body language



C) Eye contact– Positives

• Steady eye-contact

• Maintain eye-contact

• Looking in the right places

– Negatives

• Staring/ glaring

• Looking around

• Darting glances

• Blinking excessively

• Focussing on one person

• Glazing over



C) Body Language• Positives

– Posture

– Facial expressions

– Hand gestures

• Negatives

– Slouching

– Invading space

– Speaking over the listener

– Looking blank, stern, aggressive

– No gestures

– Distracting habits



Appropriate

Voice


Body Language

How it is said

1. Clarity2. Speed3. Volume4. Tone5. Pace

1. Speaking Positive2. Avoid negative assumptions3. Engaging the Listener

What is said The physical emotion behind it

1. Eye Contact2. Body Language



Appropriate

Voice

• Clarity

• Speed

• Volume

• Tone

• Pace


• Speaking Positive

• Avoid negative assumptions

• Engaging the Listener

Body Language

• Eye Contact

• Body Language



. كان رسول اهلل صل اهلل عليه وسلم يقبل بوجهه عل أشر القوم: عمرو بن العاص رضي اهلل عنه قالفكان يقبل بوجهه وحديثه علي حىت ظننت أين خري القوم فقلت يا رسول اهلل أنا خري أو أبوبكر؟

فقلت يا رسول اهلل أنا خري أو عثمان؟ . فقلت يارسول اهلل أنا خري أو عمر؟ فقال عمر.. قال أبو بكرفلما سألت رسول اهلل صل اهلل عليه وسلم فصدقين فلوددت أين لم أكن سألته. قال عثمان

'Amr ibn al-'Aas Radiyallahu 'Anhu reports: "(Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam) gave attention, spoke and showed love to the worst person of a nation. So that, the person may feel he is being given special attention. He

used to give attention, and spoke to me also in a manner, that I began to feel that I was the best among the community.

(Therefore one day) I asked: 'O Messenger of Allah, am I better or is Abubakr better?' He replied: 'Abubakr'. I then asked: 'Am I better, or 'Umar?' He replied.

"Umar'. I asked: 'Am I better or 'Uthmaan?' He replied: 'Uthmaan'.When I asked him these questions, Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam told me the

truth. (He did not tell me I was better to keep me happy. Afterwards I felt ashamed of myself on this deed). I felt I should not have asked such a

question". [Shamaa’il Tirmidhi]



Exercise 2- Deep Dive

What kind of Speaker are you?

-complete the “Communication Style Survey”



Style 1 Style 2 Style 3 Style 4

YOUR SCORE

Circle highest score

What is the difference between the 2 highest scores?

Is it <10 or >10



Style 1- The Director

• Talks in action verbs

• Cares about the bottom line

• Always on the go

• Speaks crisply Talks about goals

• May seem insensitive

Style 2- Expresser

•Speaks rapidly

•Uses animated gestures

•Entertaining

•Thinks out loud

•Talks about ideas• May be imprecise



Style 3- Thinker

• Talks about details

• Inquiring

• Often makes lists

• Speaks carefully

• Wants things done “right”

• May procrastinate

Style 4- Harmonizer

•Talks about people

•Sensitive to others

•Avoids conflict

•Dedicated and loyal

•Speaks softly

•May over commit



Highest

2nd Highest

Director Expresser Thinker Harmonizer

DirectorDictator Initiator Explorer Persuader

ExpresserCharmer Entertainer Diplomat Socialiser

ThinkerInvestigator Organiser Analyser Supporter

HarmonizerCounsellor Nurturer Provider Pleaser



To improve communication, Directors need to:

• Be more personal in their delivery - sincerity (اخالص )• Ask more questions about other people - sincerity

• Talk about their feelings - sincerity

• Acknowledge and validate priorities other than their own -want for brother what wants for self

• Show patience - sabr (صرب )• Have empathy - empathy (تعاطف)• Admit their fallibility - humility ع ) (خشو



To improve communication, Expressers need to:

• Be more precise and analytical in their approach to problems - control nafs

• Follow through and complete projects - sabr

• Learn to manage time by planning daily - sabr

• Set priorities and focus on them - sabr, sincerity

• Avoid wasting time – theirs or anyone else’s - sabr, sincerety



To improve communication, Thinkers need to:

• Focus on the big picture not just the details -sabr, sincerity

• Ask only relevant questions - ask what benefits and don’t ask too many questions

• Once a decision is made put it behind them - tawakkul

• Focus on deadlines - sabr, sa’a

• Expect the unexpected - tawakkul ( توكل)

• Communicate the full scope of the problem not just one aspect- want for brother what wants for self



To improve communication, Harmonizers need to:

• Keep work issues separate from personal issues tawakkul

• Remember it is not always important to be liked -tawakkul

• Learn to say “No” and to argue their position - sabr, sincerity

• Prioritize tasks - sabr, sincerity

• Address problems in a bottom-line fashion-tawakkul



Spiritual Illness Manifestation Symptoms/ Emotion or Feelings

PRIDE/

ARROGANCE

(kibr)

HUMILITY

(Khushu’)

Jealousy hasad

Ungratefulness

batar

Greed hirs

Heedlessness ghafl

Show riya’

Miserliness bukhl

Vanity ujb

Generosity

Gratitude

Patience

Contentment

Selflessness

Righteousness

Anger ghadb

Jest mazah

Hatred bughd

Boasting fakhr



The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: “...the whole body warns the tongue saying, “Fear Allah concerning us, for we are (dependant) upon you. If you are upright then we will be upright and if you are corrupt then we will be corrupt.” - Sunan at-Tirmidhi

Abu Hurairah (ra) also reported that the Prophet (saw) said, “Indeed a servant may say a word from which Allah’s pleasure is gained and the servant does not realise it, Allah will raise him up levels. Indeed a servant may say a word from which Allah’s displeasure is gained and he does not realize it, Allah will put him in Jahanam due to it.” - Sahih al-Bukhari



Imaam Husayn (ra) says: 'I asked (my father) regarding the coming out of the Messenger of Allah (saw)’. He replied: The Messenger of Allah (saw) controlled his tongue and only spoke that which was necessary. He did not waste his time in useless conversations. He made those who came to visit him feel at home he did not make them feel scared or ill at ease.

(i.e. When advising them, he did not scold them in a manner that they become scared, or tell them such things that would keep them away from the deen).

He respected and honoured the respected ones of every nation. He also chose a leader for them. He warned the people of Allah's punishment (or he emphasised that the people be cautious). He also protected himself from troubling or harming people. Besides being cautious and commanding others to be cautious, he never lacked in courtesy towards others. He was concerned for the affairs of his friends, made himself aware about the relationships between them and rectified their faults. He praised good deeds and encouraged them. He explained the harmful effects of bad things and removed and stopped these.



كم اهلل خريا جزا



Next Session

•Session 3- Conflict Resolution

25th January 2015

The Power of Speaking

Spiritual

Transcript of The Power of Speaking