Confused by the title of this chapter? I’m sorry. You see, I seem to have locked myself into using the first line of Gilbert & Sullivan songs as chapter titles. This song is particularly apropos, containing as it does the lines “For duty, duty must be done;/The rule applies to everyone,/And painful though that duty be,/To shirk the task were fiddle-dee-dee!” But that’s the chorus, and I’m using first lines. You understand? Now let’s go to the (un)Officially Wacky House, where Adam and Myrna have been taking their duties as the new heads of household very seriously.

Admittedly, some of the duties aren’t all that painful, or even unpleasant, even if they take more than one try.

Adam has been stargazing a minimum of fourteen times a night every night, using the really nice telescope. I’m really just playing the odds here: if there’s a one-in-two-hundred chance of alien abduction, then if Adam stargazes three hundred times over the course of his fertile period, he can’t help but be abducted, right? Right?

Of course, reproduction isn’t the only duty of the heir. RUTH: Here, Adam. It’s the deed to The Tacky Flamingo. OLD ADAM: The dee – (wonderingly) Mama, are you passing the family business along to me? RUTH: Of course I am. OLD ADAM: O! Mama, do you truly think I am fit to replace you? RUTH: If I didn’t, would I be signing over the deed? And better you than me dealing with Mrs. Crumplebottom anyhow.

Somehow, I think Mrs. Crumplebottom will have more problems with the new owner than she had with the old one. Adam is just following Victorian tradition here: Victorian men only wore bathing suits in mixed company. If everyone swimming was male, they swam in the altogether.

When not skinny-dipping, Adam spent time being taught about Motivation and Perception Rewards by Ruth. It’s absolutely ridiculous how long it takes to pass along even one Reward! Incidentally, have you noticed that Adam has both sideburns and a mustache? That’s not a standard EAxis facial hair option – yours truly created it her own self. You may applaud now.

Another reporter came by to review the Tacky Flamingo. This one was fully dressed, but didn’t stay long anyway. After I sent Adam over to be specially nice to her and everything! I wonder if I’ve got glitchy reporters.

Being a new business owner is taking its toll on Adam, though. BUTTERCUP: Hey, bro, I thought I was supposed to be the one with the bladder issues. OLD ADAM: Do please be quiet! Did I not mention earlier that Buttercup was pregnant? Whoops.

Buttercup is pregnant, and due any old time now.

Mind you, Myrna isn’t far behind.

RUTH: (wails) RYAN: What’s wrong? RUTH: My aspiration’s in the red! I’m not getting anything I want! I’m so miserable! RYAN: Well, what do you want? RUTH: Get a Kitten or Puppy, Get a Kitten, Get a Grandchild, and Relative gets Engaged.* RYAN: You’ve got two women working on that grandchild for you. RUTH: But they’re not doing it fast enough! Why can’t they have their babies faster? *Both Ruth and Ryan lost the two extra Uni Want slots in the rebuild.

RYAN: Babies take as long as they take, honey. There’s no rushing that, and trust me, you don’t want to. Preemies have to stay in the hospital for weeks, and you can’t cuddle them properly or anything. Tell you what: let’s you and me go on a date to reroll some of those wants, yeah?

And pretty soon the aspiration points were flying again. (happily) I knew there was a reason I married Ryan in.

Of course, the best reason to marry Ryan in was because Ruth loves him. But he’s proven himself quite useful. Not only did he paint all the family portraits, but he also painted the lovely Mikado poster in the living room parlor and this fine Pirates of Penzance poster. He’ll paint a Patience poster, too, just as soon as I get around to creating one for him.

He’ll even paint another family portrait once Myrna stops being the size of a house. I think that her size is due to her weight. I don’t think it’s twins. Definitely not twins. If you say it often enough, that makes it true, right?

In fact, there’s only one thing that Ryan can’t do. RYAN: What are you talking about? You don’t need to move. OAKAPPLE: Yes, I… do. You need… the room. And… I don’t fit… anymore. RYAN: Of course you fit! We only have five people – there’s plenty of room for the baby and you both. OAKAPPLE: Not that kind… of fitting. I’m… not the same… person I was. RYAN: Well, no. You need more aftershave now. But – OAKAPPLE: It’s not just… the smell. I don’t… like the same… things. I don’t… want the same… things. And Adam will… keep trying to… make it right. …We all saw… how well that… worked last time. RYAN: But where will you go?

OAKAPPLE (V.O.): Oh, I’ll figure… something out. Oakapple has a lot to adjust to in his new environment. For starters, he’s undead.

Then there are the personality modifications that come with being undead. The loss of skill points, for example – that’s a biggie. I don’t suppose it’s any surprise that Oakapple has taken up gardening. He never was any good at it, and it won’t require fine motor control for quite some time.

Also, like all my zombies, Oakapple has become Grilled Cheese. OLIVER: Mmmm, great sandwich, Oakapple. You know what would go really well with it? OAKAPPLE: What? OLIVER: Some tomato soup. OAKAPPLE: Have you… gone mad?! Hey, it’s an obsession with something edible. Cut me some slack!

And there’s the loss or reversal of many personality traits. From 10 to 0 Neat. From 10 to 4 Outgoing. From 9 to 2 Active. From 2 to 1 Playful. From 1 to 0 Nice. OLIVER: Where are you sleeping tonight? Bed or couch? From straight to questioning.

Oh, and there’s one other issue to deal with. CELESTE KALSON (brightly): Hi! OAKAPPLE (mystified): Hi. Can I… help you? CELESTE: Well of course you can! I’m your fiancée! …Which seems like a good stopping point.

Notes, disclaimers, and other trivia Adam’s particular brand of Wacky is Victorian. The Victorians firmly believed that if one was good, six was better. And add some lace to that. And we can fit an allegorical figure just over there. Oh, and – Edgar Allan Poe, an early American Victorian, describing an ideal room, called for: two sofas, two chairs, enough paintings that “three or four female heads” would be a minority, a piano, a marble table, a candelabrum, two lamps, enough shelving (edged in silk and tassels) to hold “two or three hundred books,” a mirror, silver wallpaper, thick carpet, silk drapes with tassels, curtains beneath the drapes, and colored window glass.* Late British Victorians were even worse. There was so much about Oakapple to help set up a brief Plot for next time. Until then: Happy Simming! *Edgar Allan Poe, "The Philosophy of Furniture," Burton's Gentleman's Magazine (May 1840): 243-245. Available from http://www.eapoe.org/works/essays/philfurn.htm; accessed 5 June 2011.