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RAAM NAAM SATYA HAI?

Just imagine how Minakshi feels The other night she was so mad at her husband, GopiChand, that without thinking, she said, Oh-h-h, jao ja ke mar jao! and stomped out of the room. Of course, she didnt mean it, but much to her horror, he did. He had a heartattack at work the next week and now hes dead. Minakshi is overcome with grief andguilt because she told him to drop dead and he did at the age of 42.

While shouldering this load of guilt, Minakshi now has to plan what to do about Gopi. If she had lived in her native Lucknow, she would have had fewer decisions to make. Atsuch times the relatives drew near to help the bereaved, wash, and dress and lay out thedead. The body was viewed by friends and family and quickly cremated sometimeswithin 24 hours and sometimes waiting a day for the benefit of far off relatives. However

she was living in San Francisco away from her near and dears.The American civil war however had offered a solution to people like Minakshi.Families in the north were anxious to bury their sons at home, but couldnt because the

bodies would decompose before reaching home. A clever Civil War surgeon came to therescue with the development of embalming. Then, bodies could be kept for days before

being shipped home. Once the bodies were home, families were reluctant to merelybury their fallen heroes; they wanted to honor them. Minakshi could use these servicesin order to ship Gopi home.

In the US the provision of more elaborate services along with embalming came to be the

province of mortuaries, which grew by leaps and bounds in the latter part of thenineteenth century. Then, in the twentieth century, the name was changed to funeralhome, which was socially more pleasant than mortuary (with its image of dead bodiesand which emphasized the service rather than the embalming side of the business).Fortunately for the morticians, ermake that funeral home personnel, there is greater scope for expanding services than embalming. Thus, the late nineteenth and earlytwentieth centuries ushered in two major changes in funeral rites. First, professionals took over the handling of the body and second, they moved the funeral ritual from the home toa place of business. The bereaved stepped back and let professionals take over most thefuneral planning and provision. With the profit motive alive and well in the business, it isnot surprising that funerals have gotten increasingly more elaborate in the last 100 years.For some, they are even status symbols.

How will this affect Minakshi? She might be comforted by having professionals readyand able to take good care of Gopiand deal with the myriad of tasks from removing the body to preparing it for cremation,

from arranging the service to even providing umbrellas if it rains. After all, Minakshi isnot in a normal state of mind. She was not prepared for this as she and Gopi had alwaysassumed that they would have more time to prepare for death and like many couples; they

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never seemed to get around to selecting funeral options nor kind of service they wouldlike. They had never even made a decision about being organ or eye donors!This leaves Minakshi very vulnerable. Like most people in her position, she will

probably opt for the easiest means of handling this situation. She will pick up thetelephone and call the local mortuary services may be one where shes been to services.

While they will be glad to remove the body, prepare it for creamtion and handle all thelegal paperwork involved, they will still have to ask her to make a lot of decisions. Shewill have to decide on the type of service in detail chautha and uthala or kriya, whatkind of service-some bhajan recital or pravachan, when and where it will take place. Shemay select a venue but she still needs to prepare or give the information for obituariesand she will have to be ready to receive visitors, notify family and friends of Gopis deathand hire a pandit all of this within 2-3 days( as his and her parents might want to comefrom India.

To ease consumers through this process and eliminate much decision-making, manycramatories have prepared a set of standard services and the survivor (Minakshi in this

case) can select a service that appeals to her and her pocketbook. That, however, is notthe end of the decision-making. She will still be asked to decide on individual customsspecific to her Gotra(clan), plus many other add-on services.

Its the decision-making that may not be comforting to Minakshi. Is she capable of making sound decisions at this point? She is rushed this has to be done quickly. She isin grief and she feels very guilty. When confronted with a $4,000 cremation package, isshe going to say no? Probably not. This is, after all, one of the last things that she cando for Gopi. It could be a way of making up for the Drop dead comment and she mightreason; it demonstrates to others her affection and bereavement for Gopi. She mightthink, Gopi deserves a kings cremation and a nice service. He was a good husband(most of the time) and he worked hard. How can I deny him a decent funeral? And atthe back of her mind, What will people think if I cut corners no kahars or pandits or quality wood etc.? Its just not appropriate certainly not for us.

A month later when the bill comes, she may have second thoughts about that. HinduCremations are expensive in the US. In the funeral trade, a markup called the consumer value index is frequently used to determine price. Normally, that index is 3. If acremation service cost the funeral home $ 1,000, they will sell it for $3,000. Quite amarkup! Even though prices for cremations are high, consumers will probably pay them.They dont want to appear cheap, and may be more importantly, they do not have thetime to shop around for lower priced services. Furthermore, they may not be any

promotional offers on cremational services. Then, theres the mental and emotionalanguish. Imagine going cremation shopping when your spouse or parent or best friendhas just died. Finally, consumers may think that cutting corners might not ensure a placeat swarag(heaven) for the dead or. Them !

Then, theres the wood. Many funeral homes urge the purchase of sandal wood to keepthe dead in scented spirits (no pun intended). Then, there are the Kahhars(palanquin

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bearers). Minakshi has to select a cremation venue and the four bearers-in this case theywould need to be sturdy (Gopi weighed about 109 kgs).

Given the guilt and bereavement emotions of most consumers, plus the social forces,most of us will opt out of a lot of the decision-making by nodding our heads yes to

suggestions by the funeral director. There are many valid reasons why consumers willopt out of decision-making. First of all, most of us lack experience with this purchasedecision and even try to avoid it. One thing that Gen X do not like to confront is death.We delay the effects of aging through facelifts, exercise or what have you. We dont talk about death and we dont prepare for it. Rather than being a gruesome exercise inadvance, pre-planning a funeral can actually make the time of grief go more smoothlyand allow for a more complete grieving process. Its the best way to opt out of decision-making at the time of death. Second, we do not know what our options are or what thelaw allows. Instead we rely on funeral directors that are motivated to sell higher-pricedservices. Count on being asked to buy a lot of add-ons more expensive hearses,flowers, bhajan singer, sandal wood, videos of the deceased, etc. Third, we are cremating

someone else, and we dont always know what the deceased wanted. Because Gopi andMinakshi never talked about his, Minakshi doesnt know what arrangements or donationsto a charity? This increases her indecisiveness; makes her more susceptible to doingwhat most people do weakened emotional state and cannot make rational decisions. Thiscan be particularly acute for elderly consumers the group most likely to have to makesuch decisions.

Depending on whose data you use, the average cremation in the U.S. costs between$5,000 and $30,000(sandal wood) and can easily exceed $50,000. Widespread abuses inthe death-care industry have resulted in situations such as the one where an elderly strokevictim was pressured into buying a $132,000 funeral. What a send-off that would be! Onthe other hand, when Jessica Mitford, outspoken critic of this industry and author of TheAmerican Way of Death died, her funeral cost $533.31.

Lets assume that Minakshi wound up spending $6,000 on Georges funeral and does nothave that much money when payment time rolls around. Theres no problem becausemany funeral homes have financing plans. This enables her to pay for Gopis funeral for the next three years and will, of course, provide the funeral home with more incomethrough interest charges. So, the funeral wound up costing Marge a lot more than sheanticipated or realized at the time that she made decisions. As Karen Leonard, aresearcher for Jessica Mitfords book, commented, The norm in the industry (death care)is to be taken advantage of, to be overcharged and to be manipulated. A very grim

picture, indeed.

What can consumers do about this? The first thing to do is to talk to your loved onesabout death. Gen X especially doesnt do death and grief well. Dealing with deathmeans talking to your spouse or parents or children whoever is likely to make decisionsafter your death. Make clear what your preferences are. Begin with living wills whatto do in case you are on life-support treatment. Should they pull the plug? Should theydonate your organs? Its the survivors who are asked to make these decisions, not the

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person dying. If they do not know your wishes, most survivors will say no and that mightnot be in accordance with your wishes.

Secondly, you should know your rights. By law, funeral home operators are required to: provide information about costs in response to telephone inquiries; provide a general

price list to prospective purchasers; inform that embalming is not required by law;explain to purchasers that sandal wood are not required for cremation and alternativewood may be substituted; disclose whether charges will be imposed for cash advanceitems; itemize all costs separately and not tie the cost of one item or service to the

purchase of another, and provide all purchasers with an itemized list of funeral goods andservices selected.

If Minakshi had known all of the above, she could have shopped for a cremation fromhome and compared prices. By avoiding face-to-face dealings with funeral directors, shemay find it easier to hold the line on costs. She could compare prices from CremationHome A, which charges $470 for the fifteen-minute ride to the crematorium in a

limousine and $264 for placing an obituary in the newspaper to the price of a sedan+kahaar ride from cremation Home B for $125 to $175. By calling the newspaper, shemight find that she only has to pay $80 to place the obituary herself. She could save a

bundle by not embalming (which is also not required), not buying sandal wood,limousine drive and not placing an obituary. Just think of Jessica Mitfords funeral!

Next, pre-plan your own funeral. Shop around to determine prices and which servicesyou would prefer. Begin with the method of disposition and work backwards. Your finalresting place influences how the body is prepared, what products or services arerequired and how much it will all cost.

Your choices in disposition are burial underground, entombment, direct cremation anddonating your body to medical research. The last alternative is free as long as thearrangements are made in advance. Burial underground is the most common dispositionmethod in the U.S. and usually costs $2,000 to $3,000 beyond the funeral expenses.Entombment involves placing remains in above ground tombs or stone mausoleums.Because remains can be stacked in this method, it is usually cheaper about $1,500, but

prices can go up to $4,000. Entombment is common in areas such as New Orleans wherethe water table is too high for bodies to be buried underground. Hindu Cremationhowever are more expensive at $5,000..Burials are growing in popularity. Originally imported from Europe, the notion of burialsamongst Hindus was slow to catch on in the twentieth century because of philosophicaland theological issues. The decision of whether to bury or to burn raises questions about

perceptions of ones self, attitudes toward the body, styles of ritual, and beliefs in God.By 2001, however, 7% of Gen X Asian (Hindu)-Americans were choosing this option up from 0.4 percent in 1963.

Who prefers burials? People, who tend to be well educated, earn higher than averageincomes and reside in Western boomtowns and Sunbelt retirement communicates far

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from their birthplace. They support a socially progressive agenda, including issues suchas doctor-assisted suicide and the legalization of marijuana.

Who avoids burials? Staunch Hindus who profess old-fashioned values. They oftenhave strong ties to the community and for them; cremations are an important ritual in

small communities where they have lived for a long time.

In addition, there are a few non-traditional means of disposal. Two of these are havingyour body frozen or having your ashes disposed of in unusual ways. Only 4 percent of Hindu-Americans prefer cryogenics, whereas 1.6 percent prefer the celestial orbit, chosen

by Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and LSD guru Timothy Leary.

Trekkies sums up the market segment for this method of disposition. Celestis Inc. of Houston will shoot your encapsulated remains into Earths orbit, lunar orbit, or deepspace. The cost is about the same as a regular funeral, around $5,300, but you get tospend eternity in space! If outer space doesnt appeal to you, you could also have your

remains transformed into an artificial ocean reef somewhere in the depths by EternalReefs of Decatur, Georgia or incorporated into a 20x24 gold-framed landscape picture of trees, mountains and clouds by Celebration Forest in Sandpoint, Idaho. The percentageof consumers opting for these choices is unknown.

Once you select a method of disposition, you should itemize your costs. To help you, theFederal Trade Commission offers a free guide entitled Burials and cremations that can beobtained by calling 202-326-2222. In purchasing a funeral, you will find that there aremany options besides the lineup at the funeral home. There are cremation sellers onlineat sites such as Webcremations.com and promotional (buy one get one free-at a later datetoo!) cremation sellers in shopping centers.One of the latter is Maha Shikhandi who owns a chain of three cremation houses inCalifornia two located near san Fransisco and one near Las Vegas-does more businessthan the other two put together. In his stores, pictures of pyre arrangements are arrangedon walls along with decorative urns, funeral garb,etc. There are keepsake boxes,memorial quilts and photo frames displayed in large curio cabinets. The dcor is white.While some might consider outlets such as these to be novelty stores, they have promptedfuneral homes to reconsider how they retail funeral merchandise. As a result, somefuneral homes are opening their own stores.

The real value of preplanning is to your survivors. They are not only relieved of decision-making, but have the best of reasons for telling funeral home personnel that theydont want some services or products they are following your wishes. Instead of decision-making, they can focus on dealing with their grief.

There is one other major decision to be made the type of service you wish to have.Tired of seemingly impersonal services conducted by ministers who do not know thedead, many baby boomers have opted for the use of memorial services. Frequently, theseare held in the same places as funerals, but instead of ministers, close family, friends or associates of the deceased are asked to eulogize the departed one. This change has

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caused considerable controversy. While some observers find memorial services to bedeeply meaningful events in which they learn much more about the deceased, otherslament them as carrying things too far.Guru Krishna dev chastises Hindu-Americans for tag term eulogies in which anumber of the deceaseds friends and relatives speak at the ceremony, each trying to

outdo the other. This makes for theologically eclectic funerals that incorporate elementsfrom multiple religions, and results in a religious smorgasbord that leaves belief innothing. Inappropriate mourning attire is also a concern. At one funeral, he observedtwo girls wearing Bunty-Babli shirts, not only was it tasteless, but, as he pointed out,they distracted the attention of the pyre lighter. What message does that send to viewersor to the dead person?Even after you decide on the type of service, there are still some questions about thedelivery. Thanks to the Internet, funerals can now go online. Do you have relatives infar off locations, who will not have the time or inclination to travel to your funeral? Doyou have relatives or friends who can not make the trip due to poor health? If theanswer(s) to those questions is yes, your funeral can be webcast.

We all had lassi and pakodas, said Ms. Gurinder kaur of her aunts funeral. It was beautiful, the fact that we could see it. It made it much easier for my mother to handlethe death of her sister. (Ms. Gurinders mother could not attend the funeral due to poor health.) While some might frown on the lassi and pakodas, the advantages of onlinefunerals are undeniable in an age where Hindu- Americans usually lead a nomadic life far away from their biradari in foreign countries.As a matter of fact, online funerals may just be the beginning. Tyler Cassity, proudowner of Hollywood Forever (a memorial park) and forevernetwork.com has decided tooffer Americans digital immortality. For a few extra bucks, the deceaseds life can beimmortalized on videotape using interviews of friends and relatives accompanied by

pictures, sobbing and other video footage. This memorial videotape can then be loadedinto the forevernetwork.coms library where anyone can access it. According to Cassity,were at the center of a virtual culture, a world that is made up of film and media andcontent. Such a high proportion of the people here (Hollywood Forever) have content-rich afterlives. Cassity is speaking of the luminaries such as Rudolf Valentino, DouglasFairbanks Jr. and Cecil B. DeMille who were buried in Hollywood Forever (Back when itwas Hollywood Memorial Park). Their lives have now been recorded on videotape for usto view and ordinary folks can get in on that act as well. Cassity offers a selection of

packages ranging in price from $595 to $4,195 in which our lives can be recorded onvideotape.

If Minakshi had known all of this, what would she have done? Would Gopis funeralhave been available online instead of locally? Would he be dust unto dust for eternityin a foreign land? Would he be pushing up daisies, circling the globe, or hanging onMarges wall as a tree or even a video on her shelf? Would Minakshi be happier with thecheaper funeral? The non-traditional alternatives? Or would she find great consolationin knowing that she gave Gopi a gracious sendoff that demonstrated her love to all their family and friends? Would her guilt be lower? Would all of that offset the long-runeconomic consequences? Finally, would Gopi be happy with a traditional funeral or yearn for something different?