These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.*******(1) Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom..and has started to dig.(2) His men would follow him anywherebut only out of morbid curiosity.(3) I would not allow this employee to breed.(4) This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite wont be.(5) Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.(6) When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.(7) He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.(8) This young lady has delusions of adequacy.(9) He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.(10) This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.(11) This employee should go farand the sooner he starts, the better.(12) Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.(13) A gross ignoramus 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.(14) He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.(15) He doesnt have ulcers, but hes a carrier.(16) I would like to go hunting with him sometime.(17) Hes been working with glue too much.(18) He would argue with a signpost.(19) He has a knack for making strangers immediately.(20) He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.(21) When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.(22) If you see two people talking and one looks boredhes the other one.(23) A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.(24) A prime candidate for natural deselection.(25) Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.(26) Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.(27) Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.(28) If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week.(29) If you give him a penny for his thoughts, youd get change.(30) If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.(31) Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.(32) One neuron short of a synapse.(33) Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.(34) Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.(35) The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.The Best FeedbackYou have a lot of potential and I am willing to make an investment in you to develop it.Who doesnt want to hear that theyll be developed or that they have potential? This is great!Your work MATTERS. To the patients, to your peers, and to me! Thank you.A little meaning goes a long way.Your recognition folder is like a novel you are THAT good.Just awesome!The Worst FeedbackI came up with a new rating scale for staff performance reviews YS which stands for You Stink! Now theres a boss who focuses on strengths!You should wear heels to work. A lawsuit waiting to happen.Thats a fantastic idea! I hope you understand when I present it as my own.She wasnt kidding.I get upset when youre incompetent.Not sure thats what the professionals mean when they suggest leading with I statements.Employment History My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme. I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients. I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it. I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.Ten More Funny Quotes From Employee Evaluations1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Then he fell out of the family tree.2. A room temperature I.Q. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.3. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.4. Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.7. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.8. Bright as Alaska in December.9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.10. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but he only gargles.Funny Quotes from Employee Performance EvaluationsEveryone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.Unknown1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.3. I would not allow this employee to breed.4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.5. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.8. She sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them.9. This employee should go far --- and the sooner he starts, the better.10. This employeeis depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.Funny Performance Appraisals CommentsThese are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."New officer efficiencyThese are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."The dictionary ofperformanceevaluationsterms

AVERAGE: Not too bright.EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots ofdirty jokes.STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.HAPPY: Paid too much.WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.SHOULD GO FAR: Please.USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.USES RESOURSES WELL: Delagates everything.DESERVESPROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.My personal favorite:"If his IQ dropped another 5 points we could without any legal or moral impediment start harvesting his organs."

GUIDE TOEMPLOYEEPERFORMANCEAPPRAISALHow do you rate?PerformanceFactorPerformanceDegrees

Far Exceeds Job RequirementsExceeds Job RequirementsMeets Job RequirementsNeeds Some ImprovementDoes Not Meet Minimum Job Requirements

QUALITYLeaps tall buildings with a single boundMust take a running start to leap over tall buildingsCan leap over short buildings onlyCrashes into buildings when attempting to jump over themCannot recognize buildings at all

TIMELINESSIs faster than a speeding bulletIs as fast as a speeding bulletNot quite as fast as a speeding bulletWould you believe a slow bullet?Wounds self with bullets when attempts to fire

INITIATIVEIs stronger than a locomotiveIs stronger than a bull elephantIs stronger than a bullShoots the bullSmells like a bull

ABILITYWalks on water consistentlyWalks on water in emergenciesWashes with waterDrinks waterPasses water in emergencies

COMMUNICATIONTalks with GodTalks with the angelsTalks to himselfArgues with himselfLoses those arguments

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."One I do believe, though, was supposedly "This officer becomes confused when issuing contradictory orders."Here are some pre OJAR excerpts from the RN Form S206 doing the rounds...

"This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts the better"

"This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be"

"This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar"

"He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there"

"He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction"

"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle"

"Technically sound, but socially impossible"

"This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope- always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably"

"The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"Between the lines Meaning:

"This knucklehead will never set foot up forward. He lacks real life skills and is unable to apply common sense to even simple problems. He has the personality of a 3-week old baked potato and should only serve with other nuclear trained personnel."Subject:Office Memo on Swearing

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

Cool TRY SAYING: That's interesting

INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

1Cool TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a d___k.

Thank You, Human Resources"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up""Procrastinate Now""Rehab Is for Quitters""My Dog Can Lick Anyone""I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?""Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!""ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING""A hangover is the wrath of grapes""STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!""They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken""He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead""POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN......Cops have nothing to go on.""HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH""A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory.""Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.""HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.""HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!""The trouble with life is there's no background music.""The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.""Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.""MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT""Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.""Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

Ten Amusing Reasons Why English is Difficult1. We polish the Polish furniture.2. He could lead if he would get the lead out.3. A farm can produce produce.4. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.5. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.6. The present is a good time to present the present.7. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.8. The dove dove into the bushes.9. I did not object to the object.10. The insurance for the invalid was invalid.