A Rough (but hopeful)

Guide to Fatherhood

Emanuel SchoolNovember 2013

Stephen Carrick-Davies• Former CEO of Childnet International• Independent Trainer & Consultant

Tim Mungeam• Former CEO of Parentalk & Springboard

for Children• Author ‘Fantastic First Time Father’

Definition of an expert? =

-------------------------------------------“I could have

found that out myself on the

internet!”

“It was too theoretical and I

should have stayedat home!”

“An ounce of action is worth a ton of

theory”. Ralph Waldo Emerson

ACTION POINTS

“A person knowledgeable enough about what is going on to be scared!”

Tonight…

Room to • think and reflect• be reminded / gently challenged about things that

perhaps we already know• meet other like-minded parents• get some practical pointers• identify some ‘gamechangers’ for you• Continue the community…?

Guide by the side, not sage on the stage!

Why Fathers matter

“To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't

look at it for the first two years.”Ernest Hemingway

“Becoming a father, I think it inevitably changes your perspective of life. I don't get nearly enough sleep. And the simplest things in life are completely satisfying.” Hugh Jackman

“NEW MAN / NEW WOMAN”

ROLES

PEER PRESSURE

LACK OF ROLE MODELS NO “DAD’s NET”

NETWORKS?

JUGGLING TIME POOR

LONG WORK HOURS

Changing face of family lifeBLENDED FAMILIES GEOGRAPHY CARING FOR

ELDERS TOO

Why Fathers Matter

The close involvement of fathers in looking after their children brings crucial benefits:

From EOC report ‘Twenty First Century Dad’

& NFPI ‘Family Trends’

For us men – contributes to our identity, integration and satisfaction

For children – improves well-being and adjustment, education and behaviour, and reduces risk of involvement in crime.

For women – enables women to play a more equal part in the labour market, boosting earnings and career potential

For business – can boost productivity and improve staff recruitment and retention

Fathers Matter

The Politician

“Parents and the home environment they create are the single most important factor in shaping their children’s well-being, achievements and prospects.” Alan Johnson MP (when Education Secretary)

“Parenthood is part joy part guerrilla warfare.” Ed Asner

Three Reflections

“Life is what happens to you when you were planning something else.”

Fatherhood is an art not a science

The rough guide to fatherhoodbut hopeful

Discipline

Relationship

Role model

Work

Responsibility

Home

Money

Sex

Fun

Teens

Social Expectation

In-laws

Sleep

School

Health

FearsJoy

Sadness

Time

laughter

Juggling

Hopes

The rough guide to fatherhoodbut hopeful

Seizing the moment

A parent’s unique role

The place of discipline

Seeing the road ahead

Looking after yourself

Investing in your

relationship

A parent’s unique role

ACTION

• Be intentional - get into good habits now• Be intentional - tell your child you love themACTIO

N POIN

TS

Babies – easy!

Strapping, stroppy teenager – less so!

But just as important.

• Be creative: different ways of showing love - appropriate to their age and personality

• Don’t assume they get the message – make sure they do!

Investing in your

relationship

ACTION

• Book time in with your kids (or you’ll book it out)• Be present when you’re present

A word about technology “Screen Time” Balance Modelling Good Behaviour Watching together Monitor signs of attention span, tiredness,

irritability, aggression, levels of concentration (and yours)!

ACTION P

OINTS

“Until I was 7, I thought my name was Stop It.”

The place of discipline

..but that life’s a video, not a photo

• Discipline is a toolbox• Praise is the miracle tool• Choose your battles• Remember you’re a role model

ACTION

• Dust some off tools you haven’t used recently• Ask for forgiveness & forgive yourselfACTIO

N POIN

TS

The place of discipline

The place of discipline

OUR CURRENT TOP 3 CRITICIZE BEHAVIOUR (NOT CHILD)

You can love your child but hate what he has done.

BE ASSERTIVE AND SPECIFIC. Stop throwing your food now” is much better than “cut that out!”

CUT DOWN ON THE WARNINGS. Let your ‘last time be your ‘last time’

See http://www.allprodad.com/articles/general-fatherhood/22-discipline-ideas-for-dads/

Know where you are on the journey:

• Recognise and celebrate the different ages and stages

• Recognise the influence of peers and peers’ families

• Start to observe & talk to parents of older children

Seeing the road ahead

ACTION P

OINTS

Ages and Stages

Teacher CoachManager

Protection & Prevention Preparation Participation

Dependency Independence Interdependency

Where are you and your kids?Think about ‘stages’ as well as ages!

Protection & Prevention Preparation Participation

Don’t forget your oxygen mask

Looking after yourself

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe

playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”

Erma Bombeck

• Find and share ideas which help your well-being• Invest in your health & your social networks

•Recognise the signs of pressure cabin loss!

•Invest in your own health, knowledgeand resilience

•Talk to men who are on the same plane

ACTION P

OINTS

Looking after yourself

• What are the important things I want to pass on?• What do I want him/her to say about me?

Seizing the moment

“My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it”

Clarence Kelland

ACTION P

OINTS

The rough guide to fatherhoodbut hopeful

One thing

ACTION

Useful Links

• www.dad.info• www.familylives.org.uk• www.fatherhoodinstitute.org• www.howtobeadad.com• www.dadzclub.com• www.oneplusone.org.uk• www.familymatters.org.uk• www.familyandparenting.org

Stephen Carrick-Davies

www.carrick-davies.com

Tim Mungeam

www.mungeam.co.uk

Questions and Comments