周惠賢博士 10.5.2008 我怎樣可以陪伴 青少年子女成長呢?. 快樂成長要素...
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Transcript of 周惠賢博士 10.5.2008 我怎樣可以陪伴 青少年子女成長呢?. 快樂成長要素...
周惠賢博士10.5.2008
我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢?
快樂成長要素快樂成長要素
父母的責任
我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢?
了解青少年子女的成長變化
青少年與青春期
青春期是由兒童逐漸變為成年人的一個階段,通常由十歲左右開始,直至大約二十歲為止。
青少年的身體變化
身高體重迅速增加
外表上開始改變
第二性徵出現 對異性開始好奇 對自己的形象相當敏感
思考變化
開始能夠思考與理解自己和世界的新能力
產生新的自我出現
可能讓青少年感到無所適從且充滿壓力
情緒+ 心理變化獨立自主是很重要的一個部份,因此而與父母的疏離也是必然的現象。
與父母的親密關係脫離,青少年覺得有點緊張不安、沒有安全感。
造成許多青少年喜怒無常的主要原因。
Rice, 1978 把情緒分為三類
喜悅狀態 (joyous states) 如快樂、愉悅、愛等
抑制狀態 (inhibitory states) 如擔憂、恐懼、焦慮、厭惡、悲傷等。
敵意狀態 (hostile states) 如憤怒、憎恨與嫉妒等
情緒變化有如天氣
青少年階段應視為跟父母關係的改變,而非切斷和父母之間的聯繫。
心理變化
青少年面臨自我認同的危機來自以下六方面:
1.前瞻性或混淆的時間觀2.自我肯定或自我懷疑3.預期工作有成或無所事事4.性別角色認同或兩性混淆5.服從或領導的辨認6.意識信念形成或價值困難
社交發展
青少年特有的自我中心現象 雖然了解別人和自己的想法可能不同,但常
以自己的想法去推估別人想法,認為自己是別人眼中的焦點,而產生了想像的觀點。
親子關係緊張 青少年追尋獨立自主,若父母的管教方式和
期望不能配合青少年發展而調整,很容易產生親子衝突。逐漸不再依賴父母,留在家庭的時間減少。
參加朋輩團體 重視友誼和建立異性關係,青少年希望被朋
黨團體肯定接納,重視親密的友誼,對於培養獨立自主的能力、異性關係的建立等有幫助。
我怎樣可以陪伴青少年子女成長呢?
1. The Moralizer
Positives to Build On Moral compass, trusts
instincts Analytic ability Detail orientation Honorable Continual self-improvement Can envision perfection Takes on causes; upholds
justice, ethics, and moral principles
Helps others see error Strives for excellence
Negatives to Overcome Focuses on what’s wrong One-track thinking, it’s
either right or wrong Overpreparation, avoids
error Inflexible, rigid, tends to
self-righteousness Moral superiority masks real
emotions Procrastination from fear of
error Indirect anger at being
responsible for making the world “right”
Lives with harsh inner critic commenting on performance
Burdened by self-criticism about not meeting internal standards of perfection
2. The Helper Parent
Positives to Build On
Gives invaluable support Supports authority figure True altruist (利他主義) Caregiver Capable of real
connection Emotional buoy (救生衣) Empathic Nurturer Facilitates potential in
others
Negatives to Overcome
Proud of being needed Constant need for
approval Selective about whom to
help Curries favor Plays it safe, not a risk
taker Assumes many selves,
manipulative Can become resentful and
angry if feels freedom is curtailed.
3. The Organizer
Positives to Build On
Self-Confidence Reliability Keeps focus on tasks Natural authority figure Goal Orientation Multitask thinker/doer Competitive Drives self and family to succeed Efficiency
Negatives to Overcome
Image of the perfect parent Value results, impatient for
progress Pushes down on feelings Believes own propaganda Assumes is lived for actions rather
than self Difficulty in opening to feelings Avoids failure Wants to be winner or the family to
be a winning team-at all costs Views family as a project, brushes
asides feelings
4. The Dreamer
Positives to Build On
Connectivity Creativity Empathy in pain Passion Compassion Intensity Understanding Authenticity Intuitive ability
Negatives to Overcome
Feeling special to disguise shame
Melancholia, heightened emotions
Envy that other have what’s missing
Wants the unattainable, egocentricity
Needs to be different, special Inflating emotions Feeling unworthy, courts
abandonment Avoids the ordinary, mundane,
mediocre Romanticizes emotions,
overdramatizes connections
5. The Observer
Positives to Build On
Rationality Calmness and balance Objectivity Creative synthesizing of ideas Big-picture thinking Predictability Independence Nonjudging Restraint
Negatives to Overcome
Requires privacy, guards time and energy
Draws back from personal interactions
Secrecy, overvalues independence Prefers nonengagement in
emotions Tendency to be minimalistic in the
physical world Lacks spontaneity, emphasizes
controlling emotions Overvalues the self, takes a
detached, observing stance Compartmentalizes, keeps family,
work, other areas of life separate Noncommunicative, interactions
can be problematic
6. The Questioner
Positives to Build On
Local, sticks with the agenda
Responsible. Endures Protects the underdog Questions incisively Logical Rational Clear-thinking Troubleshooter Skeptical
Negatives to Overcome
Fearful, scans for danger
Fear can be paralyzing, undermining
Struggles with authority issues
Doubtful of self and others: “Yes, but……”
Self-sabotaging, fears that success brings hostility
Defensive, afraid of own and others’ anger
Suspicious, devil’s advocate,
7. The Entertainer
Positives to Build on
Optimism and upbeat attitude Entertaining storyteller Plans, visions, dreams Multioptional thinker Upbeat energy and fun Egalitarian Renaissance thinker Interconnective conceptual ability Sparks energy and excitement
Negatives to Overcome
Trouble with commitment, seeks other options
Escapes from difficult personal interactions
Evasive, skates over the hard parts
Feels immune to others’ pain and conflict
Addicted to change for change’s sale
Feels entitled by own mental gifts
Tends to live in a future fantasy world of many options
Overly creative imagination, charms, and disarms, smooth talker
Avoids (emotional and mental ) pain
8. The Protector
Positives to Build on
Take-charge leadership Forges a path for others to follow Ability to confront Directness Protective of underdogs Shares intimacy when it’s safe Seeks justice and upholds truth Loyal to trusted people Empowers others, uses force on behalf
of others
Negatives to Overcome
Excessive behavior, can’t maintain stability
Authoritarian, controlling, rigid
Blames others for own miscalculations
Denial of limitations, seen as weaknesses
Damaging, direct anger, tests limits
Keeps a lid on vulnerability, controls being hurt
Being vengeful wards off vulnerability and hurt
Extreme – no middle ground Lag time in acknowledging
own feeling
9. The Peacekeeper
Positives to Build On
Loves unconditionally Energy on behalf of
others Accepts others Good listener Fair – sees all points of
view Able to help others
access feelings Tries to keep family
dynamic nonconflictual Supportive Predictable
Negatives to Overcome
Stubborn, avoids anger and conflict
Procrastination Asleep to him- or herself,
runs in neutral Contains own energy by
inertia Loses own position, passive,
not an initiator Slow to express anger. To
know own feelings Difficulty, tamps down
emotions, drains energy Prefers the familiar,
problems with prioritizing
1. The Moralizer
State your criticism gently, repeating that it’s constructive feedback, and that you love them unconditionally
Practice letting go; practice being imperfect; a mistake is simply a mistake
Try not to see Fun as a Temptation for “Wrong” behavior
2. The Helper
Telling your family what you need - say “ I need help with this.”
Use your gift of giving judiciously – give only when your help is asked for
Be yourself – Find time to be alone.
3. The Organizer
Be aware that you exaggerate positives and neglect negatives. This can lead your children not to trust you.
Operate at your children’s pace. Allow them to be human being, and not human doing.
Stop seeking approval.
4. The Dreamer
Develop inner equanimity Try to keep yourself
focused on that and not always be pulled away when things feel ordinary
Avoid depression- when your attention goes to what’s missing, count the positives in your life.
5. The Observer
Be aware that you tend to share little of yourself; successful relationships are a two-way street.
Develop social skills – Your children need you to be their models.
Share your gifts of rational thinking, of keeping a cool head in a charged situation. You are invaluable in a crisis.
6. The Questioner
Be aware that you may be projecting your fears and emotions onto your children. (Ask your family for help in sorting out real dangers from imagined threats)
Learn to trust your children.
Find a process to overcome procrastination
7. The Entertainer
Your preference is to equalize authority. Your children need an authority figure
Don’t avoid painful emotions and situations
Once you have the plan, commit yourself to a course of action.
8. The Protector
Structure your authority so it’s not too rigid and controlling
Try to less blunt, not less truthful. There are 10 ways of saying the same thing
Embody the idea of containment, of not allowing your energy spill over and consume everyone.
9. The Peacemaker
Don’t bury your anger, it will explode later and can be harmful to your children.
Learn to make decisions for yourself, voice your own opinion, notice when you defer to others. Your children are aware that you don’t take the lead.
Stop stubborn, try to put yourself into situations where you can safety engage in conflict.
Attentional Focus
1. error / how corrected2. Needs of others3. Tasks4. What’s missing5. Acquiring knowledge6. Scanning for hidden
dangers7. Pleasant plans and future
options8. Power and control9. Other’s agenda
Gifts
1. Moral compass2. True altruism3. Leadership on behalf of
others4. Creativity and uniqueness5. Rationality6. Logic7. Optimism8. Harnessing energy to
empower others9. Universal love
Avoidances
1. Error2. Own emotional needs3. Failure4. Ordinariness5. Connection6. Deviance (being seen as different)7. Pain8. Vulnerability9. conflict
Growth Path
1. From critically and judging to serenity2. From pride to humility3. From self-deceit to honesty4. From envy to equanimity5. From hoarding to allowing6. From fear to courage7. From no limits to restraint8. From excess to trusting sufficiency9. From being asleep to oneself to right action
The End